It’s Only Right When You’re Smiling on the Inside

Just when you think you are over something or almost over it, life throws a curve ball that knocks the plastered smile off your face and lies out of your mouth. Though I knew this before, it only takes something small to really make you open your eyes and stop lying to yourself. As a young black woman it is easy for to push it to the back of my mind and try to move on with my life. It’s what we are taught even if our mothers tell us to do something different. We watch them do this all of our lives and honestly I think it’s ONE of the worst things that is passed down from generation to generation.

Keeping everything to yourself until you are on the brink of internal destruction is not healthy for you Nor is it healthy for your relationships. Doing this has left me feeling like an outsider and not feeling as close to my family and especially my friends like I know I can. I knew it wasn’t over when I had a dream about a big spider the other day and I told my friend Janee and of course we looked up and the first thing she said “You feel left out” and I do. I never say anything because I know it’s me and what I’m fighting with on the inside. Not being as close to some as you wish to be or as close as you thought you were, but it’s because of my PPF. Pride, Pain and Fear. It’s almost like I don’t want anyone to really find out who the real me  is because of fear. My pride won’t allow me show my weaknesses and though most of us may look at this as being fine, it isn’t. It leaves those around you baffled as to who you really are and not knowing how to help you or how to love to you. I realized and most have to realize that you are cutting your blessings and your love off. Everything happens for a reason and it doesn’t just happen to you. Everyone has to realize that he or she is NEVER the only one going through any situation. It is up to you to set your standards and the pace of your life.

Moving on from your past pain means it no longer has power over you. That person or that situation no longer makes your blood boil, you can look at them without automatically becoming disgusted in his or her presence. If you lacked anything previously, don’t allow the pain to take over your life, don’t let your the pride to block your blessings and the the fear to hold you hostage in your own life.

Don’t let this be you!

Should the First Family Buckle Down to Society’s Hypocrites?

I think not!!! Every since President Obama and his beautiful family stepped on that campaign trail it has always been something. People don’t like his politics, he doesn’t have enough experience, and what seems to be under the most scrutiny; Michelle Obama’s choice of attire. Now I must admit Mrs. Obama has a different type of style. We aren’t used to it because for years we watched the first ladies wear frumpy old women’s and just down right ugly clothing, but I Looove the new. We have a women in the office that looks like us and has hips like us and like to wear shorts and show off her legs and her shape. So why should we stop her from doing that when we do it.

Also Black Folk stop being scared all the time. Though there is more scrutiny with this first family, I want you to stop walking on eggshells with every little thing Michelle wears and everything little thing they do. Let them be. What they do, say and wear can’t be any worse than what we have seen in the past. They are still human people!!

Daily Posting

So I’m going to try Daily posts and they will probably be quotes about how I’m feeling and being that my 20th birthday is a little over two weeks away.  These “turbulent 20s” are killing me, but I really believe that this quote speaks volumes about how confused people are.

“People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself.  But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.”  ~Thomas Szasz, “Personal Conduct,” The Second Sin, 1973

And It Ends Bittersweet..again!

So my sophomore year has come to an end and I absolutely cannot believe it.  The bonds that I had already are now stronger.  Especially with my Moton Misses Caressa Morris,who is also my roommate, Odessa Jackson, Janee’ Williams and Nora Abamukong, with whom my bond has grown stronger.  I tell you when someone says not to judge a book by its cover, it is so true.  With Nora, I thought she was super mean and rude, ’cause I would say hi and she wouldn’t say anything.  So I was like “ok, ” but I must say I was totally wrong.  She is the sweetest girl one could have around  and I love her so much and she just has to get to know people.  Some more people with whom my relationship have grown are Sydney, Coretta Troxler and Diara Smith, love you girls.  Also  Angela Williams, Novaughn Deans and Danyelle Gary.    All those late nights in their room.  I’m gonna miss you girls. We had so many good times, especially second semester , because first semester was the pits.  I was more homesick than I ever was and I just didn’t want to be in that place that I love so much, my “Home by the Sea.”

Another stepping point for me this year was just starting to love me just as hard as I would love someone else.  I have gained more confidence and security in me and what I do.  I have put myself out there, meeting new people and furthering who I am.  I started back going places by myself.  That was something I used to do all the time, but I started using my girls as crutches.  So it was time to stop.  I no longer just want to sit in one place. I can’t just look at four walls anymore, it’s just not in me.  After crying one day because I just felt so alone and after talking to my Grandma and Dessa, I realized that there was no reason I should feel like that.  Especially when I am in a room full of people.  I just got to the point where I wanted more and at the moment I was the only one that could give that to me, because I was the only one holding me back.  Though I hate going through moments like these, I know that without them, we wouldn’t grow.

After this year, I know that next year can only be better.  I plan to have more good times, with my main girls and over the summer and just have some good laughs.  My favorite thing to do.  Now you can see my girls and some of the time we’ve had.  Love yall with all my heart.

Pain in My Little Heart

Fresh Prince Cast

As I laid in my bed watching the series finale episode of The Fresh Prince of BelAir and it just made me think and cry.  The part when Will was telling Uncle Phil that he wanted to leave a different impression of himself than what he came with and all the love that was shown between the “family.”  I know real cheesy right, but I cried.  I was crying at first because I was like , damn soon that is going to be me moving out of my Mommy’s house and I will feel the same way.Not knowing whether to leave or stay or if I’m coming or going.  I will cross that bridge when I get to it!

Then I reverted back to last weekend and what happened with my mother.  Her initial set off was about  the lack of respect she feels she gets.  Then I realized that her rant went on to something else, which is a touchy subject because of past hurt and pain that I feel is still there.  She said that basically because my father and his sister are reaching out to me that I would basically show her little respect, which would never be true.  I love my mother so much, it can’t be put into words, in fact tears are streaming down my face as I think that I may not be able to share this new stage in my life with her.  That is if everyone follows through.  Now that I am grown I will have to open up to them also, it will be hard, but I think I owe that to myself and my future relationships and children. I can usually talk to her about anything, but I don’t know this time.  Pray for me yall, cause I’m gonna need it!

My father, me and My Mommy

Learning to Love/Emotional Wreck,

Flawful Angel

We have to Forgive

So I was watching one of my favorite shows last night, A Different World, I swear some of that show reminds me of my HIU..anyway.  It was the episode that Lena wrote that essay about her father but it was all a lie, but something was said by the professor that really had me thinking ,  since I feel as if I’m caught between a rock and a hard place when it comes to my mother and “father.”

“Children begin by loving their parents, as they get older, they judge them and sometimes they forgive them.”~Lena James’ professor from A Different World..lol

I find this to be really true, because as we get older, we tend not to agree with everything said and done by our parents and some of that stuff even hurts us.  We say that we are over it, but we know that there is really no other way because they are going to be our parents regardless.  We have to forgive them and it may take a while, depending, but if that love is there, it will get done.